Do you want to know why self-compassion is effective in improving your mental health – and why you don’t practice it?

Chris (not his real name) is a farmer with a sun-marked face, broad shoulders, and a muscular neck. In our telehealth meeting, he looked at me through his camera and, with a half smile, said, “Hi mate, this stuff is not for a guy like me! Can we do something else instead?”

“Sure, we can,” I replied, ‘But I am curious to know why you say so.”

Chris provided me with one of the textbook answers when I introduced self-compassion in our session for the first time: “The only way I can do right is through criticizing myself. Being kind to myself will make me weaker, and I need to be strong.”

 Generally, at this point, I ask my clients, “Are you scared of compassion?” Silence usually follows.

After a bit of reflection and explanation on my part, Chris agreed to try the exercise I had developed for him. And it worked.

Is there part of you that judges you harshly, tell you the worst things you’ve ever heard about yourself, tells you you’re a failure and writes you off as useless and incapable? Do you have the feeling that you are not enough and that you do not do enough?

If so, I want only you to know that self-compassion will not make you weaker or self-indulgent but rather more efficient, more vital, and protect you from mental health issues.

That’s not just my opinion. It’s amply demonstrated by recent neuroscience research.

Let’s see some of this exciting research data.

The research supporting self-compassion

The authors of the book What Makes Your Stronger suggest that,

“Self-compassion is the willingness to respond to your pain and suffering in the same way a good friend might, with warmth, patience, and understanding.”

Indeed, Dr Kristen Neff, a leading researcher in the field, suggests that self-compassion has three main elements:

1. Self-kindness or having the ability to refrain from harsh self-criticism.
2. The ability to recognise your humanity – the fact that each of us is imperfect and experiences pain.
3. The ability to maintain a sense of mindfulness or non-biased awareness of experiences, even if they are painful.

Research has also shown that self-compassion is linked to self-esteem, albeit, according to Dr Neff, they are not the same. Self-compassion centres more on self-acceptance than seeing one’s “self” favourably. She also points out how self-compassion is not dependent on social comparison or personal perceived success.

Neuroscientific research in self-compassion is still relatively new. However, Larry Stevens et al. (2018) note that we do have a considerable number of studies focusing on positive and negative self-referential processing, such as self-criticism and self-enhancement and even self-judgement.

Other studies have shown how self-compassion causes a remarkable and statistically significant shift in our brain waves.

That can explain other research findings. Athletes, for example, have been shown to manage difficult emotional experiences, such as losing a game or being injured, much better when applying self-compassion.

For women, self-compassion has been shown to lead to higher levels of:

• Personal growth
• Body appreciation
• A sense of purpose in life
• A sense of responsibility
• Self-acceptance

They were also less likely to be anxious about their appearance, afraid of failure and less bothered about other people’s negative evaluations.

Let’s go back to Chris, whose story opened this discussion. He thought that his continued self-criticism made him more robust, and that it spurred him to work harder and achieve more. Maybe you think that too. But is it correct?

Not according to current research.

For instance, in The Kindness Cure (2017), Robin Flanigan shows that self-criticism and self-judgment do not achieve anything other than make you feel stuck, creating a sense of depression and anxiety that prevents you from performing at your best.

Applying self-compassion allows you to accept that it is human to have flaws and that we need only to learn from them, and this gives us the energy to make changes, plan and grow.

What next?

You’re now aware that research shows it is healthier and more helpful to practice self-compassion rather than self-judgement.

So, next time your inner critic shows up, don’t listen to them. Instead, try these self-compassion exercises.

Exercise 1: Self-Hug

1. Stand or sit upright with your feet solidly planted on the ground.
2. Notice the support from the floor against your feet.
3. Take a deep breath and breathe out slowly and consciously.
4. Place your right hand, palm turning inwards, in your left armpit and the left hand on your upper arm below the shoulder.
5. Press inwards with both hands and hold the firm grip for some seconds, giving yourself a solid hug.
6. Release the grip for five seconds and repeat twice more.
7. Let the arms drop to the sides of the body and move on in daily life.

Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break

If you are experiencing a difficult moment or you are in a situation that causes stress, find a moment for yourself and:

1. Call the problematic situation to mind, and observe how it makes you feel, such as emotions, physical sensation, etc.
2. Now say aloud or in your mind something like, “This hurts” or “This is stressful.”
3. Now acknowledge with your mind and heart that suffering (or what you selected as your preferred word) is part of life. For example, “This suffering is part of life”. You can also use other terms such as “I am not alone in this” or “We all struggle in our lives.”
4. Put your hands over your heart or any other area where you feel the stress and the pain or sensation of tension. If you have issues touching your body directly (some people with severe trauma may have), keep your hand close to the point. Feel the warm sensation and relax.
5. Now say to yourself while holding your hand there, “May I be kind to myself.” You can use other words with similar meanings, such as “May I learn to accept myself.”Avoid other instructions such as “Be strong”, “Be patient”, or “Be courageous.” You may have seen those phrases in other posts, but such instructions may increase your self-criticism if you think you haven’t been strong enough. See the danger there?

These exercises can be done anytime you need, in any place and position.

I trust that these little exercises can help you develop self-compassion, a feeling that enables us to be more efficient and work better in our daily lives.

Self-help has limits, and if you see that your anxiety or self-judgement is not diminishing or worsening, it is time to look for professional support.

As always, we are here to help you now. If you need us, call Act Right Now Counselling any time for a free 15-minute chat to explore what we can offer you and how we can work together. Book your slot now.