Ever heard the saying, “If it’s too good to be true, it probably is”? This is precisely the case regarding love-bombing, a form of psychological and emotional abuse often disguised as excessive flattery.
In this article, you’ll learn more about what love bombing is, what it looks like within a relationship, and how to deal with it.
WHAT IS LOVE-BOMBING?
Love-bombing has gained prominence recently, especially in discussions and scientific literature about toxic relationships, emotional abuse, and manipulation tactics. Such maladaptive behaviour can be found in relationships of all types (including between family members and friends), yet, it most often pops up between intimate partners, particularly during the earliest stages of a relationship.
Love bombing happens when one partner overwhelms the other with excessive affection, attention, and praise—stuff that might look, sound, and feel like love but isn’t genuine. Instead, psychologists agree that love bombing is a manipulation tactic meant to exert control over another person.
The SIGNS
Here are some signs that a person is attempting to “love bomb” their partner:
- They give a lot of flattery—often so extreme and persistent that it smells inauthentic and forced.
- They push for a rapid relationship progression and will bring up things like living together or making a long-term commitment early on.
- They attempt to isolate their partner from others and limit external influences (e.g., they’ll discourage their partner from spending time with family members, often by insisting they spend more time with them instead)
- They show intense attention via excessive texts, calls, and gifts.
- They use their love and affection as a means of control and a way to make their partner feel obligated to fulfil their wishes—red flag phrases include “You owe me” or “After everything I’ve done for you?” (and they may sound as sweet as honey most of the time, but will often resort to threats or insults if they feel like their needs aren’t being met)
THE AFTERMATH
To the partner being “bombed,” certain elements (like all the flattery and attention) might initially feel good and seem pretty romantic. But love bombing comes with many potential downsides.
Unfortunately, love bombing is often a precursor of emotional, psychological, and even physical or financial abuse because, if left unchecked, the partner can become increasingly possessive and controlling. Love bombing can also create “high highs” and “low lows” regarding the emotional tempo of the relationship, leaving the targeted partner feeling confused, anxious, drained, and unsettled.
Other potential consequences of love bombing include:
- Codependency: the person being “love bombed” might begin to feel “addicted” to the relationship and, as a result, will start ignoring their own needs and values to keep their partner happy
- Loss of self-identity: a person will start to rely heavily on their partner for validation and begin to lose their sense of self and ability to trust themselves
- Social isolation: this can strain a person’s relationships with loved ones and may raise the risk of mental health issues like depression
Why Do People Do It?
At this point, you might wonder why anyone would love to bomb someone if it’s such a disingenuous and harmful way to interact and build a relationship. The answer, truthfully, is complex.
People who love bombs often struggle with underlying insecurities; prior research has found a positive correlation between love bombing and low self-esteem and anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Love bombing could be their attempt to “hook” their partner so that they can continually have a source of external validation or control.
Love bombers might also have specific mental health problems or personality disorders like narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Alternatively, they may have a history of trauma or abusive relationships. In some cases, they learned this style of relating by observing their parents or caregivers in childhood.
It’s important to realize that just because someone exhibits love-bombing behaviour doesn’t necessarily mean they have a personality disorder, a history of abuse, etc. It’s also important to realize that no matter what drives their behaviour, it is NOT the fault of the partner being love-bombed!
SO, NOW WHAT? HOW TO DEAL WITH LOVE-BOMBING
Recognizing that you’re being loved and bombed by a new partner can be painful. But since we know that love bombing can seriously harm your psychological well-being, taking the necessary action to take care of yourself is essential.
If you think you’re being love-bombed, here are some things to consider:
- Trust your gut feelings about the pace and intensity of the relationship—if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.
- Set some healthy boundaries and communicate them. This could include boundaries that intend to slow down the pace of the relationship (“I don’t feel comfortable talking about moving in together right now, and if you bring it up again, I’m going to leave the room”) or protect your autonomy and the time you spend with other people (“If you call me repeatedly when I’m out with my friends, I’m going to silence my cell phone”).
- Seek support from trusted loved ones and/or a licensed therapist or mental health professional. This step is vital for combating your partner’s attempts to isolate you.
- If necessary, end the relationship. While you have an essential role in your relationship’s health, ending love bombing is your partner’s responsibility, not yours. If they’re unwilling or unable to change, or if the relationship has become abusive, it may be best to end it to protect your emotional well-being.
Dealing with love bombing can be challenging, but you don’t have to face it alone. At Act Right Now Counselling Services, Dr Gabe is here to support you on your journey to emotional well-being.
Schedule a FREE consultation with Dr. Gabe today,
